last night it rained so hard shelby was scared. lucas and i however slept like babies. I stayed up late watching a bbc drama-- as I often do when david leaves town--- he is in portland and I spent the evening hours lost in the early 20th century with the Crawley's. It was more fun than I care to admit. and at least I multitasked... I made some progress on one new year's resolution-- knitting. I took my first class and started and finished my first project... that is as far as I can finish it. I have to go back for a second class to learn how to "bind off." Or I guess I could youtube it. it's a dish rag.

lucas has been completely darling. He's 5 months now and is doing so many new things. He's getting more agile. he's sitting up for more than a few seconds, balancing his stocky self with the occasional steadying hand of mama. 

we have been enjoying him at this age. he is so perfect. I love it.
 

New Year's Resolutions

• prayer
  
•  knitting
  
•  intentional time with david
  
• putting my iphone away when with lucas... or in general
  
• cleaner floors - with my fantastic new/used miele vacuum
  
•  gardening
  
•  using my crockpot regularly for cheap and hardy meals
  
• incorporating something like Shabbat (sabbath) into our lives.
  
• getting up mountains again
  
•  Lucas... learning to be a mom well... constancy

At least someone is getting up a mountain. ***Jonathan took this sweet picture

windy

It's the first day of 2013. It's howling outside. Lucas, Shelby and I went for a walk and I felt like Poo and piglet trying to keep from blowing away. I love wind. Sometimes I don't, like when its the cold kind that pierces through you. We don't get many warm balmy winds here, which, along with warm rain, are my favorite. But today's wind wasn't the piercing kind and we were bundled tight, so Lucas and I much enjoyed our almost-balmy and blustery Mary Poppins-esque outing. Lucas is getting so much more aware of his world. He has been a pro at tummy time, ready to roll over with the slightest push. He loves to bounce and fly through the air looking around. His head and neck are super strong... well, stronger than they were. He still gets tired after extended periods on his belly. Today he almost used a pincer grasp to investigate a big button on my sweater. He grabbed it using his first and middle fingers and thumb, with great delicacy and intent. I love him and I can't believe that I don't even really know him yet... it blows my mind that he's going to grow soon to be a little man with his own personality, sense of humor and ideas. I know so much about him, little cues, what he needs... and I could recognize his cry or his laugh in a crowd I think... but he isn't even talking yet. Sometimes I think it couldn't be better than right now, that he could never get any more precious... but then he does something else, like pinch my button or reach for his bottle, and I can't even imagine entering that universe where he will be rolling and crawling and talking and walking, and READING and WRITING and ... oh man.

All dressed up for Kyle and Logan's wedding

Roger and Eva were here for Christmas and Jonathan came up for the week after. We had a lovely Christmas with our charlie brown tree. Lucas barely squeaked into his "my first christmas" reindeer outfit. He's graduated to 9 month clothes almost exclusively.

Merry christmas

 Lucas loved Grandpa's play dates full of songs and fun.

"mm hmmm... i see you lookin at my thighs"

My menorah, a gift jerusalem

sweet toys and clothes from Emily and Mircea

Lyd checking out her Jerusalem cook book

I love this one

David's brilliant t-shirt idea. I custom ordered it online.

Stuffed in the reindeer outfit

look at his foot chubb!!!

trying out the new big boy rig

what seems like a long time ago

courtesy of psalm oines

Heavy

Merriam-Webster
"heavy": definition 6b: lacking sparkle or vivacity: drab

It was a heavy day living in my head... paradoxically, here are some beautiful highlights. 

• eating hard rolls fresh from the oven made from scratch from my industrious husband

• annie brought me a chai latte and listened to me share my silly heart

• i added sparkle lights and meaningful ornaments to our free charlie brown tree

• lucas smiled, enjoying the day just like any other

• i ate haagen-daas coffee ice cream from my mom

• david is packing me kanapki- ham and cheese hard rolls polish style - for lunch tomorrow

so silly. its weird how some days, just as beautiful, or even more beautiful than any other can feel so drab. like there are curtains over my eyes and the lights are dimmed. tomorrow is new and fresh. i'm headed to bed.

next week is Dec 21st ...

... so that means that this week is the darkest week of the year. I feel that I have been mole-like for quite some time - hiding away in my house, tunneling between stacks of dishes and newspapers and laundry, creating piles of dirt wherever I go, nibbling all day on caloric and very "storable" food, if you know what I mean, and every once and a while peaking my head above ground for some daylight...

I did go out for a walk in the woods once this week... a tremendous accomplishment in my mole-like state.

Still I've been feeling tired, slow, unproductive and emotionally blunted. I'm ready for December 21st to come and go. At least I'm taking vitamin D. I wish I knew how to knit.

Lucas is growing. Last week was his 4 month old check-up. He was 17 lbs 10 oz and 25.5 inches long. Today he found his thumb! I am hoping that will save me the binky runs in the middle of naptime. My mom came to town this weekend and she has been watching him while I do some Christmas shopping and garage saling. It's been so wonderful to have her. I keep hoping maybe one day she'll just never leave. Lyd got a new apartment and now we have to fill it... hence the garage saling.

My big news is that I have decided that it's better for all of us if I don't work 12 hour shifts. It's too long for David, it's stressful for Lucas to not have me for bedtimes. I think more and more he is requiring a consistency in his days. We have our little morning and bedtime rituals and the 12 hour days keep me from being there. I miss sharing them with him, but the real issue is that I think for him missing them is not just a matter of comfort, but a matter of brain development and building trust. I am happy with the decision, even though it is strange to enter a new world nursing - clinic nursing. I will be working my first 9-5 job, every weekend off. It sounds pretty luxurious. Instead of working two 12 hour days, I'll work three 8 hour days/week. My new work starts January 2nd and I think I'm excited. I knew things would change with a baby, and my career was one that I always expected to sacrifice. Still it's strange to choose something so different from the path I have been working towards for years. I always assumed that when I had a baby my life would all be different, but I didn't expect that I would be the one to make it different...that i would be the one to choose... and it's harder than I thought to say no. No to picking up extra days, no to continuing my career path, no to helping out my co-workers and staying late, even taking a long lunch break feels strange. Maybe it's habitual, or maybe I have a tinge of workaholism in me and hanging out with lucas all day seems somehow unproductive, or maybe I'm afraid. I am really at peace with this decision, but it is a continuous decision... I mean in everything...if i don't prioritize it, it doesn't automatically become the most important thing. Even with all the care Lucas requires, there are plenty of corners that can be cut and I need to consciously remind myself not to cut them. It can be quite daunting.

David is especially happy with the decision because right now he is split between worlds too. There's a lot to balance... work, sleep, exercise, taking care of lucas, taking care of me. Here's his latest project...

Ultimately I am so happy to be Lucas' mom, home as much as I am, able to switch jobs and work only part time. the list goes on and my days are full of joy ... however short they seem to be.