I worked today. 12 hours is a long shift. I did a lot of meditating on the situation in Israel... and the situation in my own little house in my own little town. It all started when Lyd called and told me of the bombings in Israel. It's crazy how safe we all feel even though we really are just on the edge of something really catastrophic happening. Not to be pessimistic or dramatic, but it's humbling to think about how much, or how little I should say, it would take to just wipe us out. And somehow by living safely day to day we gain a sort of confidence that we are invincible and in control of our lives. (Not that I think that Lyd should stay and face it, unless of course she should....) I would like her safe and sound with me, but that's the point. Why do I think I am safe and sound? Anything... a little microscopic virus, a tsunami, a slip of the wheel, or of the wheel of someone else, a cancer cell that decides to multiply... could change things forever. I remember when I first brought Lucas home I was so nervous that he would stop breathing. I would put my face up to him in the middle of the night just to make sure he kept at it. But now I'm not so worried, but only because he has breathed all the way through the night for 3 whole months. It's silly really. It's silly that I think that I have something to do with it all. Anyway, I was feeling melodramatic and sentimental because I miss Lydia and was reading about all the terror in that part of the world that I usually am happily clueless about in my cute little house with my cute little kid and his cute little thighs... and cheeks... and fingers... etc.
I guess we just roll along trying to make the right decisions, or at least the decisions we feel like making, until we collide into something we need- difficult or sweet, bitter or easy. And I guess the trick is to see the beauty wherever that is, whatever emotion it is. There are a lot of people that I see everyday at work that have really tough lives. sometimes I pinch myself thinking I've been given such an easy path, and then sometimes I fear something terrible that must be around the bend or else it just wouldn't be fair... and on bad days I think my life is really rough and I need something more, sometimes its ice cream and sometimes its some prayer. But on the worst days I don't even think about it, I just shop online and feel nothing. On those days I don't even see the other people. Those are the days that I want to run far away from. And whether that's to israel to work with dirt in the sun - aware of danger that exists and is common to man, or safe at home just sitting and looking at my baby, reveling in his sweet discoveries, I think it's worth it.
Lucas and I have been singing together. I play the piano and sing and he sort of moans sweetly, as if he is a confident choir member who has sung this song a million times. I love the old hymns and every once in a while the power of their words impress me. This one hit me again:
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
So IDF v. Hamas, loss of a job, childcare, compulsive ice cream consumption, or world hunger... In the words of davy from A severe mercy... "it all will be most well."
At least that's how I'm feeling tonight.
The tree in the front yard is now almost bare. She's been slowly
becoming more transparent. Now her covering is lying around her like a
wet towel on the bathroom floor. I raked up her leaves the other day,
turning them into compost that will hopefully garnish my garden in the
spring if I get my act together. I've been wanting to somehow implement a
sabbath in our busy lives... but not working at all, like the Jewish
tradition, is something I don't really understand. I heard somewhere
that a man does his gardening on the sabbath because it is reflective
and restful for him. I gave it a try this week and enjoyed it so much. I
raked leaves, planted some tulips from TJ and Beth's wedding, and some
old daffodil bulbs from Fairmount road that aren't going to bloom since
they have been hiding in the garage for so long... but I figure some of
their dust is better than nothing and maybe will make my memories of
daffodils from my childhood live a bit longer. It was so good to get my
hands in the dirt again. Mostly my days consist of short walks around
town and through totem park, and doing the same tasks over and over
again- like changing diapers, putting lucas down for a nap, sweeping the
floor. But every once in a while there is a special occasion- like going to eat with Dad at work, or hanging out with other 3 month olds, or a fun dress-up holiday.
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