worn down and the small answer.

We just got home yesterday from out trip. I am exhausted and it feels like a faded light, a heaviness that seeps deeply into me. I am impatient and unkind. I feel so far from joy and fullness. And I'm searching for something to blame- something to hide under. But when I stare back at myself, I see it's just me at the end of me... at the end of a month of treating myself to all things good, and easy, and tasty without discipline or regret. It's been wonderful and blessed, and that's the irony. I have been so caught up in me that the fullness of God is a far and distant reality. I have this need to pour out my soul, to empty myself of myself... but I feel so heavy I don't know if I can begin.

I've spent the last month choosing my pleasures. It's trained me well... now I feel acutely a pressure to choose my life. We saw Grant and Lecia get married, set off for adventures with purpose and passion. We saw all my old chums in Poland and their life and community - my perception skewed positively by my very elementary understanding of the language - in it all I hear and see what I choose. I compare. I see Slawek and Bogusia living in beautiful Krakow, no desire to go somewhere else, to make a statement by leaving. I see their fellowship which seems so isolated from the West's spirit of discontentment clothed as wealth, prosperity and freedom. I thought I was successful in running away from it, running back in time to Alaska. But I was wrong. It has followed me and will follow me because it is a foul smelling flower growing in my heart. I came home and it felt so good, for like 5 minutes, and then I started thinking, fearing, wondering. Wondering- that's my killer - what it would be like to be Bogusia, Laura, Lynette, Lecia - to study in Venice, to get a Doctorate in Psychology, to wear beautiful leather heels, a scarf and sip latte's on a stone street - and I feel trapped inside myself. We just got to travel the world and instead of being sated and joyful because of the beauty that I experienced all across the globe, I become jealous and scared that the beautiful things about our life in Alaska are false. And that I am just as lost, just as busy, just as anonymous, just as discontent here as anywhere. And worse - I don't even have a clue about what to do, what I want, if I should want at all. I have been eating and resting and buying and spending all I want, that it has scraped away at me. In consuming life ravenously, I feel so ironically empty that I feel unable to do anything except lay on the couch, thinking of the next enjoyment. What is my purpose? to glorify God? What does that mean? to serve others? to raise a child who sees others? Where are we to be? Does it matter? I just don't know. I don't know at all.

I threw this prayer up this morning, after sleeping 10 hours, interrupted by Lucas' exasperated cries at the 10 hour time change and flying fatigue. I read a verse that said "A plan in the heart of man is like deep water. But a man of understanding draws it out."  There it is. I feel lost in the deep waters of my own plans, tired of swimming after my own fulfillment. There's got to be a resting place. I'm worn out. My last plea is for God to draw out for me my next plan, for today, or maybe tomorrow.

It's pitiful to write this negative rant after being so privileged to take 4 weeks off work and see 4 countries, tasting the sweetness and love of so many people close to my heart. I promise my next post will be about how completely awesome our trip was. But for now, I've got to get through this jet lag and stop swimming for a while. I'm going to pray, make some soup, and maybe take a nap.