what seems like a long time ago

courtesy of psalm oines

Heavy

Merriam-Webster
"heavy": definition 6b: lacking sparkle or vivacity: drab

It was a heavy day living in my head... paradoxically, here are some beautiful highlights. 

• eating hard rolls fresh from the oven made from scratch from my industrious husband

• annie brought me a chai latte and listened to me share my silly heart

• i added sparkle lights and meaningful ornaments to our free charlie brown tree

• lucas smiled, enjoying the day just like any other

• i ate haagen-daas coffee ice cream from my mom

• david is packing me kanapki- ham and cheese hard rolls polish style - for lunch tomorrow

so silly. its weird how some days, just as beautiful, or even more beautiful than any other can feel so drab. like there are curtains over my eyes and the lights are dimmed. tomorrow is new and fresh. i'm headed to bed.

next week is Dec 21st ...

... so that means that this week is the darkest week of the year. I feel that I have been mole-like for quite some time - hiding away in my house, tunneling between stacks of dishes and newspapers and laundry, creating piles of dirt wherever I go, nibbling all day on caloric and very "storable" food, if you know what I mean, and every once and a while peaking my head above ground for some daylight...

I did go out for a walk in the woods once this week... a tremendous accomplishment in my mole-like state.

Still I've been feeling tired, slow, unproductive and emotionally blunted. I'm ready for December 21st to come and go. At least I'm taking vitamin D. I wish I knew how to knit.

Lucas is growing. Last week was his 4 month old check-up. He was 17 lbs 10 oz and 25.5 inches long. Today he found his thumb! I am hoping that will save me the binky runs in the middle of naptime. My mom came to town this weekend and she has been watching him while I do some Christmas shopping and garage saling. It's been so wonderful to have her. I keep hoping maybe one day she'll just never leave. Lyd got a new apartment and now we have to fill it... hence the garage saling.

My big news is that I have decided that it's better for all of us if I don't work 12 hour shifts. It's too long for David, it's stressful for Lucas to not have me for bedtimes. I think more and more he is requiring a consistency in his days. We have our little morning and bedtime rituals and the 12 hour days keep me from being there. I miss sharing them with him, but the real issue is that I think for him missing them is not just a matter of comfort, but a matter of brain development and building trust. I am happy with the decision, even though it is strange to enter a new world nursing - clinic nursing. I will be working my first 9-5 job, every weekend off. It sounds pretty luxurious. Instead of working two 12 hour days, I'll work three 8 hour days/week. My new work starts January 2nd and I think I'm excited. I knew things would change with a baby, and my career was one that I always expected to sacrifice. Still it's strange to choose something so different from the path I have been working towards for years. I always assumed that when I had a baby my life would all be different, but I didn't expect that I would be the one to make it different...that i would be the one to choose... and it's harder than I thought to say no. No to picking up extra days, no to continuing my career path, no to helping out my co-workers and staying late, even taking a long lunch break feels strange. Maybe it's habitual, or maybe I have a tinge of workaholism in me and hanging out with lucas all day seems somehow unproductive, or maybe I'm afraid. I am really at peace with this decision, but it is a continuous decision... I mean in everything...if i don't prioritize it, it doesn't automatically become the most important thing. Even with all the care Lucas requires, there are plenty of corners that can be cut and I need to consciously remind myself not to cut them. It can be quite daunting.

David is especially happy with the decision because right now he is split between worlds too. There's a lot to balance... work, sleep, exercise, taking care of lucas, taking care of me. Here's his latest project...

Ultimately I am so happy to be Lucas' mom, home as much as I am, able to switch jobs and work only part time. the list goes on and my days are full of joy ... however short they seem to be.

toys, star wars and aunts

today was a big day for little luke. he started noticing and grabbing toys. for about a week now he has been doing this completely scrumptious little trick of exploring his light touch receptors, spreading his fingers wide and touching them to my skin using only his fingertips. its awesome- it feels really good on my skin for one thing and it also is fun to watch him explore how dainty and delicate those appendages can work. but today he put it all together and reached out and grabbed the toy that has been taunting him for while, happy to have conquered that little twirly parrot and his big black and white eyes.

it was also a big day for me. i watched star wars for the first time last night. i felt it was important for me to be acquainted with luke skywalker and all the jokes and cheesy halloween costumes that my little luke will inevitably fall victim to. i felt like i entered civilization, my eyes suddenly unveiled. it's like a culture i never knew... R2D2... jet-eye mind tricks....C3PO...may the force be with you...plus, i never realized that harrison ford was actually ever really young. fascinating.

but biggest news of all... aunty lydia came home! she jumped right in and watched lucas for the afternoon while i worked. he seemed to remember that she had been an important part of the first half of his life. even though she has been gone for the last 2 months, they had a great afternoon together. sitka is glad she's back too- the sun sparkled specially on the snow today and we had a great tuesday night dinner. lydia introduced us to shakshuka- a delicious tomato and egg breakfast dish from israel. so happy to have her back.