next week is Dec 21st ...

... so that means that this week is the darkest week of the year. I feel that I have been mole-like for quite some time - hiding away in my house, tunneling between stacks of dishes and newspapers and laundry, creating piles of dirt wherever I go, nibbling all day on caloric and very "storable" food, if you know what I mean, and every once and a while peaking my head above ground for some daylight...

I did go out for a walk in the woods once this week... a tremendous accomplishment in my mole-like state.

Still I've been feeling tired, slow, unproductive and emotionally blunted. I'm ready for December 21st to come and go. At least I'm taking vitamin D. I wish I knew how to knit.

Lucas is growing. Last week was his 4 month old check-up. He was 17 lbs 10 oz and 25.5 inches long. Today he found his thumb! I am hoping that will save me the binky runs in the middle of naptime. My mom came to town this weekend and she has been watching him while I do some Christmas shopping and garage saling. It's been so wonderful to have her. I keep hoping maybe one day she'll just never leave. Lyd got a new apartment and now we have to fill it... hence the garage saling.

My big news is that I have decided that it's better for all of us if I don't work 12 hour shifts. It's too long for David, it's stressful for Lucas to not have me for bedtimes. I think more and more he is requiring a consistency in his days. We have our little morning and bedtime rituals and the 12 hour days keep me from being there. I miss sharing them with him, but the real issue is that I think for him missing them is not just a matter of comfort, but a matter of brain development and building trust. I am happy with the decision, even though it is strange to enter a new world nursing - clinic nursing. I will be working my first 9-5 job, every weekend off. It sounds pretty luxurious. Instead of working two 12 hour days, I'll work three 8 hour days/week. My new work starts January 2nd and I think I'm excited. I knew things would change with a baby, and my career was one that I always expected to sacrifice. Still it's strange to choose something so different from the path I have been working towards for years. I always assumed that when I had a baby my life would all be different, but I didn't expect that I would be the one to make it different...that i would be the one to choose... and it's harder than I thought to say no. No to picking up extra days, no to continuing my career path, no to helping out my co-workers and staying late, even taking a long lunch break feels strange. Maybe it's habitual, or maybe I have a tinge of workaholism in me and hanging out with lucas all day seems somehow unproductive, or maybe I'm afraid. I am really at peace with this decision, but it is a continuous decision... I mean in everything...if i don't prioritize it, it doesn't automatically become the most important thing. Even with all the care Lucas requires, there are plenty of corners that can be cut and I need to consciously remind myself not to cut them. It can be quite daunting.

David is especially happy with the decision because right now he is split between worlds too. There's a lot to balance... work, sleep, exercise, taking care of lucas, taking care of me. Here's his latest project...

Ultimately I am so happy to be Lucas' mom, home as much as I am, able to switch jobs and work only part time. the list goes on and my days are full of joy ... however short they seem to be.